It’s World Book Day, and at St Dastardly’s School for Wannabe Dictators the kids had turned up in mufti. The kids were always excited about the World Book Day bonfire, when they were encouraged to turn up with their favourite books to burn. The teachers were ever watchful from the guard towers, these kids needed full-time care. Last year some unnamed genius almost managed to sneak a Just Stop Oil protestor into the bonfire. The year before that it had been a random pensioner from the nearby Old People’s Home.
Though mufti rules were lax, it was clear that one kid had no interest in coming dressed up as another character. Kim Gotnomates was attired as always, in his self-proclaimed uniform - a Really Really Fat Sam BadlyCut Suit & White Shirt combo. If anyone asked why he was wearing the usual stuff, Kim was going to declare that he was creating an iconic look. If they sniggered, he was going to shove a firework up his ass, bend over, show them his butt cheeks, and let ‘em have it! Fortunately for the teachers who had to keep an eye on these things, Kim did indeed have no mates, so the risk of a firework going off and hitting someone in the eye was really quite small.
Over by the chemistry block, star pupil Madvlad.M.Novichok had slithered up behind Hee Lokalikawinniedepoo. Madvlad tapped his old mate Hee on the shoulder. Hee had come as a cartoon bear and Madvlad was hoping that Hee would be impressed by the fact that he’d come shirtless. Madvlad intended to make a spontaneous joke about kinship based on bare and bear sounding the same, but he’d never understood the thing about ‘funny’, except as in peculiar, so he hadn’t quite worked out a joke.
Hee turned, saw Madvlad, and with a sneer on his face turned his back. The significance of the gesture was lost on Madvlad, who rarely understood anything subtler than a kick in the nuts.
“Vot u zink of my look Hee?”
Hee’s response was not what Madvlad had expected.
“Get Lost.”
“Getz Lostz? Vot’z up my old China?”
Madvlad suddenly realised he’d made a pun. It was hilarious. He laughed. It was a weird sensation, and he wasn’t altogether sure he liked it.
Hee waited for Madvlad to stop making the noise of a hyena coughing up a hairball so that he would feel the full force of Hee’s vitriol.
“You no my flend anymore.”
Madvlad’s eyes bulged. All his other ‘friends’ only liked him because he gave them sweets and offered to kick their heads in if they didn’t. Ever since his old mate Basher Al is Sad had run away, he’d come to see Hee as his only real friend in a lonely world.
“Vot? Vot did I do?”
Hee spun on his heel.
“You make kissy kissy, with Orange Donny behind the bikeshed, you slimy, …”
Hee couldn’t find the words to match his contempt. Madvlad was horrified. He had to explain.
“Noooo. When Orange Donny came back from suspension, I reminded him zet I still hef piccies of his bed-wetting days, and if he doesn’t want everyone to see them zen he gotta stop playing vid my enemies, especially that bloody midget, Suitless Zlod. I hate Donny. I do. He once try to touch me up you know; the big fat orange girl’s blouse.”
Hee was unimpressed.
“So, he’s going to help you beat up Zlod at break time?”
Madvlad shrugged. “I know, it’s incredible. Listen, if you like, to show you zat he and me is not chums, I’ll make him pick up dog poo in the playground vis his bare hands. He do anyzink I tell him. He play only viz anyvun I tell him.”
“Yeah, well he no play with me. He trying to set up rival tuck shop, drive me out of business.”
Madvlad surveyed Hee Lokalikawinniedepoo’s ample waist.
“Vell, perhaps it’s not so bad. You look like you’ve been nibbling your stok a while.”
“Sharrup. I fight him. I fight you. I fight everybody. I fight teechers. I fight janitor. I fight…”
Madvlad switched off. Hee was a belligerent little sod when he got riled up. He looked over at the Sissy Corner, where Sirkeer Stammer was trying to be all manly.
What ze very fek? Why’d he come in She Man Vanker of ze Universe outfit? I vunder if I can sneak him under bonfire zis year?
コメント